Star Wars Chat Pack: What fear have you faced?

Welcome to Day 27 of my NaBloPoMo Challenge, where I randomly choose a card from the Star Wars Chat Pack.

Today’s question is: Luke Skywalker says, “Confronting fear is the destiny of a Jedi.” Have you faced a fear? What happened?

Hmmm, we’re gonna get reeeaaal personal here, but here goes. Most of my fears have been tied up with being a parent. I’m telling you, you don’t know fear until you realize you have a tiny, helpless human being that depends on you for everything, lol. To stay alive, no less. I could never keep a plant alive, so I had serious doubts about my parental abilities. But the clock was ticking, as they say, and I decided to take a huge leap of faith. I didn’t want to wake up the age I am now and regret not experiencing parenthood.

Once I got over that, I was ecstatic when the good news came. But then, we received some bad news when I was four months pregnant: our baby girl had spina bifida. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a birth defect that affects the spinal cord. It can cause all sorts of problems: mobility, for the most obvious example. She could end up in a wheelchair. Bladder and bowel problems. A shunt in the brain. Learning disabilities. And a host of other things I didn’t want to contemplate.

First, there was shock. Then grief. And then the most engulfing, all-encompassing fear I’d ever experienced. (Rage came later). How was I going to do this? I hadn’t been at all sure I was going to be a good mom to a typical kid. But a child with a disability? Medical needs? How would I work? Would my marriage fall apart with the stress? Why was this happening?

Once the tears were shed and I calmed down (somewhat, a long time later), decisions needed to be made. The doctors couldn’t answer our questions with any certainty (would she walk? would she have mental retardation? what will her life be like?), and I was angry they couldn’t. They’re doctors, not gods, but I wanted them to be; I wanted them to have a crystal ball and tell me exactly what I’d be getting into. But nothing was certain. I had to decide if I was going to make another leap of faith, and continue the pregnancy.

Of course, we were already firmly in love with her. I’d felt her moving inside me; we’d named her. She was our child. I wasn’t going to abandon her just because I was afraid. I had to face the fear. Not conquer it; I never would, in all honesty. I had to feel it, and go forth anyway. So we did.

It was the best decision I’d ever made. I can’t imagine my life without my daughter. And though it’s been challenging, it hasn’t been nearly as terrifying or awful as I thought it might be. She walks, although with braces on her legs, and her balance is a little precarious. She never needed a shunt in her brain. She has bowel and bladder problems, and though it’s challenging, we manage them. She has no sign of any learning disabilities. She’s a beautiful, smart, sassy, sweet, almost-fifteen year old, and though I still live with fears concerning her every single day, I am absolutely blessed to have her in my life.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, lol. Seriously, though, I feel that if I can get through that kind of fear, I can do anything. And like I said, the fears never go away; they just change shape. You learn to live with them and deal with them.

So even though I don’t wield a lightsaber (and would probably hurt myself if I did), this is how I practice my Jedi powers on a daily basis, lol. Face the fear, feel it, let it pass, and keep going.

What about you? Have you faced any fears? It doesn’t have to be this personal. Maybe you jumped out of an airplane. Maybe you got up in front of an audience to make a speech; maybe you took a trip around the world by yourself. It doesn’t matter what the fear is. The point is in facing it.

Let me know in the comments and we’ll talk about it!